It was a bad trade.
After feeling my way through the past few weeks trying to adjust to this new, lowest dose of Desipramene, I’ve hit every wall we thought I would. I had trouble eating. I had weight gain. I had migraines. And I had very, very bad general pain–everywhere.
So now, instead of 175mg of of Desipramine I’m taking 65mg and a Percocet every single night.
And that’s not a good trade.
If the whole point was to get clean off of drugs I couldn’t take while pregnant–this was way off the mark. Besides that, I’ve been so dysfunctional I’ve only had one, good, productive day in the last month. And at the end of the day I still ached so much I ended up taking that Percocet early in the evening.
Yesterday I woke up at 6AM to workout on my bike. My theory was that if I got up earlier, I might be able to beat the pain before it caught up to me.
The pain came anyway, and the sun was so bright here. It felt like it was trying to wipe my brain clean. I spent the whole morning trying to avoid it, but the migraine came anyways. I tried hiding away in my room with the blinds closed, with a mask on, but my retinas still felt like they were burning. Percocet. Torridol. More Percocet.
I called my doctor at four in the morning, shaking, panicked because I had maxed out on my pain meds and it still felt like every nerve ending in my body was being pressed on with a branding iron.
I knew I had an appointment with him in the morning anyways, so after taking the second shot of Torridol he recommended, I didn’t take anything else. By the time I got to his office at 11AM I was in tears. It felt like all my tendons were rubber bands being pulled too tightly and no amount of stretching or flailing could make them relax.
My doctor was so kind and comforting. I’m so grateful that he’s someone who takes my care seriously and without judgement. I don’t ever have to feel weak or embarrassed to admit to him when I can’t handle a symptom or a side effect. Admitting it to myself is another story. Learning the game plan was going to be going back up on the Desipramene was so frustrating and heartbreaking after how far we’d come to get me off of it.
“It really wasn’t a matter of if though! It was a matter of when. I knew once we got you down to a certain level of that medication we were going to see what other symptoms it was covering up.”
So he arranged for me to see a rheumatologist for the Fibromyalgia symptoms and hoped they would be able to find a medication that would be safe during pregnancy for me.
By sheer luck the rheumatologist has an opening tomorrow so I’ll be able to go in right after I get my port accessed.
For tonight, my doctor said to go back up to 75mg and take whatever is in my prescribed arsenal to get the pain under control.
And while I feel like–hey! It’s been a shitty day for me and I should feel sorry for myself–my sister just told me about her second screwed up root canal infection and my mom probably needs to have a faulty ankle implant removed.
And Happy can’t order take-out whenever he feels like it.
Like…Damn, at least I can take a pain killer for my problems.
So is my misery really so significant in the grand scheme of things?
Why was your day worse than mine?!
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