Well, I have to say–these past two weeks have cleared up a lot of guilt for me. After my surgery, when I had an epiphany about how I was treating my body–I really whole-heartedly committed to improving my health in a more natural way.
And I’m glad I did, because how else would I know if I needed medication after so long? If I could eat healthier foods without reactions? If I could exercise regularly without consistent pain?
I was glad, because for the first time in maybe ten years I was actively and proactively putting nutrients into my body that had not existed before. I felt good about working on things like meditation and trying alternative therapies to cope with the incredible stress of chronic illness.
Lowering the Desipramene (and mistakingly raising it to double the dose and then titrating off of it again) has also taught me something valuable: I need this medication if I’m going to eat healthy. Without it, I can’t digest anything that isn’t bread, potatoes, rice, pasta or meat. I tried drinking my green drink, I tried fruit salads and then when that failed–I thought maybe smoothies would be easier to digest. I tried salmon and small amounts of arugula…and when all else failed I attempted a bowl of cream of wheat.
And I sit here tonight, having just dosed myself with a cocktail of stomach settling and narcotic painkillers I think I can safely say that without a regular, preferably high dose o Desipramene, I would be in a considerable amount of trouble.
Like the kind of trouble where I live in my bathroom and never see my friends or family again.
Just…try to imagine having the lining of your stomach scrubbed with battery acid and eating razor blades for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That would land you somewhere in the neighborhood of what’s happening to my digestive system right now.
It’s the kind of pain where you eventually fall into a state of panic like: what is happening? Will this ever end? OR WILL MY LIFE JUST GO ON FOREVER IN AGONY?
Yep, it’s all coming back to me now. Life before Desipramene…that was the sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, lunging for nausea medication, looking forward to four hours of intense stomach cramping phase of my life.
How could I forget?
I really can’t even process the fact that this used to be like a daily thing. I would have ingested a box full of styrafoam noodles if someone told me it would stop the pain. No wonder I didn’t even blink at 75 mg of Desipramene.
And now that we’ve solved that mystery, I’m ready to go back up a few milligrams and let my guilt and fear of taking “unnecessary” medication just float away in the breeze….
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