Don’t Even Read This, It’s Nothing You Haven’t Already Heard Twice

angry1I took two naps today. I can barely feel my arms. My blood pressure is actually reading fine for once and I couldn’t feel worse. I’m exhausted. Yesterday I came home from Publix and sat in my car for twenty minutes before finally calling R.J to help me get inside. I have no answers, no relief on the horizon, no understanding of what’s happening to my body. I have no medication to fix it. The hospital won’t let me start cardiac rehab until next Thursday. I’m scared I’m going to black out in public. I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of feeling judged about complaining. I’m tired of judging myself about complaining. I’m tired of not being able to just take the fucking reigns and fix the problem. I’m tired of doctors shrugging at me. I’m tired of the fear of knowing that as of this moment, right here, right now there is no relief. Not here. Not at the hospital. Not at the doctor. Not at CVS. Not at the fucking Taj Mahal. I am alone. I have tried over twenty medications in the last two years for the same problem. I hate that people think that living with this disease is a choice when I would fucking turn myself inside out to go one week without all of the symptoms. I’m just sad and there’s got to be a way to not feel so helpless but sometimes you just do.

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2 thoughts on “Don’t Even Read This, It’s Nothing You Haven’t Already Heard Twice

  1. Hui Lian

    Sweetheart, I understand. *hugs* was feeling that way just about 2 days ago.

  2. Lizz B.

    I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning of it (I started late, which is why it’s March 2015 by the time I’m reading this post). I just got diagnosed with POTS (kind of, the appointment was really weird, and he seemed to be using “POTS” as a symptom instead of a diagnosis, but yeah, I have POTS with hypertension). Though the cardiologist put me on a beta blocker and an antidepressant. He seemed to think that the antidepressant can help reguide the neurons back to firing correctly? Not really sure, but it will hopefully make me feel less helpless if nothing else. Not sure if you’ve mentioned it to your doc (as I’ve said, this is as far as I’ve gotten so far). But I thought I’d drop the info here for you!

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