Well, maybe more realistically, my brain. Because if my brain had been on and working it probably wouldn’t have had some of that calamari appetizer at dinner tonight, and by some I mean most of the plate. Like, god, what was I thinking? Fried, oily squid? I know it’s delicious but does that really sound like a good idea for someone whose been practically using the medical equivalent of double sided tape and wads of bubble gum to keep their intestines in the right space for the last two weeks? No. Nope.
Since before Seattle I’ve been in a cycle of pain killers for stomach pain, and then what I’m sure is stomach pain caused by overuse of pain killers.
This, after I begrudgingly went to see my gastroenterologist again for him to tell me that he was throwing his hands up and I should see someone at Cleveland Clinic. I knew I wouldn’t get into Cleveland until after Seattle, so I’ve been using all I have on hand to cinch the pain while I wait.
In the meantime I found the contact info for the head of the GI department at Cleveland and sent him an email explaining my case and asking if he’d take me on in 2017. (Because of course, what could we possibly accomplish in between now, my surgery in six days, and then the holidays?)
I emailed because I want to know DIRECTLY from the mouth of the beast that he actually knows what gastroparesis IS. I don’t have the sanity to walk into another exam room only to hear another doctor say, “Okay—so explain your disease to me?”
It’s disheartening. It makes me grumpy. But so does beating my fists on the floor of my bathroom, crying and promising myself that the meds will kick in any second now. Any second now.
Most times, I feel like I’m just trying to keep my head above water here. Just going from one deep breath and back below the surface again.
Anyways, it’s time to start being a bit more proactive instead of pretending this flare isn’t happening. Tomorrow it’s a shopping day for bread, clear soups and more Propel. And next time you see me—feel free to embarrass me in front of large crowds by yelling, “MAKE GOOD CHOICES!”