Wouldn’t it be nice to just curl up in a ball and die of depression?
I can see now how rich people get into drugs and just do that.
Well, I’m not rich, and I’ve still got shit to do… so the whole curling up in a ball thing isn’t going to work for me.
I guess I just have to get my shit together and realize that this is just one of those ”temporary, shitty, exhausting, frustrating, heartbreaking, soul-crushing, but necessary to make you the kind of person you need to be in life” moments.
(Because any other reasoning is going to put me in a mental hospital.)
Also, I have deadlines. I’m making a new plan. I recognize that things are not going to be exactly how I thought they were going to be. The timeline has changed. The dimensions of the life plan has changed. Maybe some things I didn’t consider for myself are things I’m going to have to really consider now–and for whatever reason, that’s just how it is now.
The good thing is that during this stumble I didn’t lose my book deal, I didn’t lose my friends, my family, my house, my job, or my taste buds (which oh my god is the worst.)
So let’s start this new day off with a bang and take a look at some of the things I’m grateful for.
I know. What? Since when do I ever like my doctors? But the truth is that since I’ve been working with my concierge doctor over the last two years I’ve had a much better experience dealing with hospitalizations and emergencies. More than that, my doctor is just a good guy who treats me kindly, talks to me like I’m a human being, and gets genuinely upset when I’m genuinely in pain.
Just kidding, fuck you X-finity. You’re everything bad about life–but at the same time, you mean that I can watch TV from the bathroom on my laptop. I do love my shows. Including the following horrible shows that I should be embarrassed to be addicted to but I’m not:
I’m not going to lie. I miss my girls. All of them. I hate going out to dinner with them when I finally feel myself again only to realize I’ve missed some major life event like a break up or a cat death or a graduation.
But thanks to a group chat we keep open on FB I’m able to stay updated on all the big and little celebrations and frustrations going on in my friends lives. I’m also able to show my support in small ways. Very small. Sometimes worthlessly small, but at least I can try.
Or as it’s otherwise known as, “The great tub of jealousy.” No woman has ever left my upstairs bathroom without a puddum on their face and a knife in their heart saying anything other than, “why can’t I have a bathtub that big?”
I don’t know why. It’s just some kind of cosmic glitch in the universe. Non-stop, unavoidable pain = worlds most ridiculous bathtub that in no way is proportional to the actual size of our bathroom. Or apartment. Like seriously, that thing could fit half my bedroom in it.
Happy and My Mommy and R.J
I think these go without saying, but I think it’s good to say them all the time anyways. Sometimes I think when my mom sees my number on her phone she literally drops whatever she is holding on her desks and immediately opens a tab to her calendar to see if she has time to drive me to the doctor/hospital/whatever. Without her and R.J I would have gone on thinking yesterday was Friday all day. I seriously thought it was. I almost had a fight with R.J over why we weren’t going out for a date night dinner on the first weekend I finally felt stable. They set me straight as gently as possible. And Happy–Happy kept me company while I ate the Greek pick-up R.J brought home before he left for his card game. (which by the way I had to shove him out of the house for because he’s been hesitant about leaving since I’ve barely left the house in weeks.)
Many parts of my body have jumped shipped. So long adhesions! Good tidings appendix! I barely knew ye, wisdom teeth! But my liver? Man, my liver has been down for so many crazy and wild adventures. Even though only like four of them have involved alcohol. And even though all four of them probably only involved less than a beer bottle’s worth of actual alcohol and not pineapple juice–it’s hung in tight during a myriad of antibiotics, pain medications, and other wild and unknown meds for one thing or another.
Through it all, no yellow skin–no yellow eyes. Blood tests have all been clean and clear. I’m fortunate to say that for a patient who basically lives off the mechanisms of trial and error, I am blessed to have the liver to handle the error of the trials.
Your turn! What’s one thing you’re grateful for this weekend despite all the fucked up hell your body puts you through on a regular basis? Heated seats in your car? Ace eyebrows that never need shaping? The ability to digest dairy? Go on, you know you want to share.
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