I’m Less Narcoleptic, and My Gym is Turning Me Into a Lesbian

Happy to report that the low-dose naltroxen made a difference! I’m still having my “lights out” moments, still have a bit of brain fog, and I’m still needing to nap during the day. However, I don’t need to nap ALL day, have less brain fog, and was even able to go to the gym yesterday (which I’m paying for tenfold today.

I actually was able to go to the gym in the afternoon–which I never do–for two reasons.

1) I never have energy after 4:00 PM.

2) That’s when R.J goes to the gym and I don’t want to be associated with him.

This is, obviously, not because I’m embarrassed by him, but because I assume that people look at R.j and think–damn, that is one muscle-y dude. I bet his girlfriend must be fit too–like so fit–they probably spend all day here just looking at their incredible guns.

Which we all know is the furthest thing from the truth. Like the truth is Oklahoma and this is in Taiwan.


I mean, this is a guy who works out for two hours every day.  This is a guy whose idea of a warm-up is running three miles. But yesterday I decided to bite the bullet and join him. I hadn’t been to the gym in a week, and our gym is under construction so they had moved around all the machines. I spent the first ten minutes looking for the hand-weights because all of the treadmills were taken. And then I spent the next four minutes being sad because I realized that I couldn’t do the eight pound weights and had to downgrade back to the five pound weights. Which would not be happening if I could just go to the gym CONSECUTIVELY. I got over it. And lifted my weights. And moved on to the treadmill.

The gym is packed from 5:30-7:00PM. I guess everyone comes over after work, which blows my mind–that people have energy after work. Are all people like this? Do all people work eight hours and then feel like running a few miles?

I got on the treadmill and set it to a 3.7, speed-walking. The guy next to me was going at like a 9 and was –and I kid you not–talking to himself about how awesome he was. At least, that’s totally the vibe I got but his comments were mostly in Spanish with a few “WORK IT”‘s thrown in.

The guy on the other side of me was going at an equal speed while punching the air.

I felt really boring so I kicked it up a notch by multi-tasking and checking my Gmail.

When the Latin conversationalist got off his machine (supposedly to pat his own back while doing push-ups) I switched to the recumbent bike in the back row.

Since there were no mirrors to obsess about my own ass in, I found myself staring at the girl in front of me on the elliptical. And I was trying not to be a creeper–but do you ever have those moments when there’s a girl in yoga pants and she actually looks totally fit and AMAZING and you spend twenty minutes just staring at her butt thinking, I know my ass doesn’t look like that in yoga pants!  Does she do this EVERY DAY? Could my butt looked like that if I came here every day? I need to come here every day. I need to buy more yoga pants.

Then I continued my quasi-lesbian creep session by turning my attention to a group of women doing some kind of cross-fit class in the corner and thinking: I could do that. At least for about ten minutes I could do that.

And I be like....

And I be like….

I got really inspired going to the gym that day. I was like, I could do more push-ups. I could keep lifting weights until I hit the 15lb weights. I even managed to do 20 crunches!

Then I went home and almost fell asleep in my bathtub.

So, we’re getting there.





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