I’m Okay Now–We Can Make Eye Contact Again

Nothing makes you feel more grown up than finally putting a bed frame around your mattress.

We have reached such great heights…from the bedroom floor.

The fact that Happy is currently nestled next to me in the remains of my 1997 Disney Hercule’s pink Megera sleeping bag, notwithstanding.

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Another thing that makes you feel grown up? The decision to stop the chain of worry. Take for instance Saturday afternoon. I’m continously knocking against walls, blacking out because I rode my new bike for an hour on Wednesday (yes, it’s now been almost four days since I sweat out my infusion) and I know what I need. I need to get another IV because my skin is tight and my blood pressure that morning was 77/40. (But did you know you can still walk the dog with that kind of blood pressure without fainting? You do now.)


After setting up my house for the party I was throwing I decided to ask R.J to drop me off at the local GetMed. They know me pretty well by now so there was no time wasted getting an IV set up. I knew they wouldn’t be able to access my port–because hell, they can barely access my port when I’m with the chemo nurses. So I was hoping that, by some small miracle, I’d have a good vein.

But I didn’t. And I sat there and let them try about six times before they ran out of needles.

“You could try going to the ER at the other hospital…?” The PA suggested, taping on a new piece of cotton to my arm.

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I thought about it. I’d have to get in the car, call my doctor, go through triage, explain my disease and my exercise mistake, and then get a measured IV which would probably take at minimum two and a half hours to pump.

And for the first time I thought: What if I just didn’t? What if I just walked out the door and didn’t pursue this to that point?  What if I just told myself: I’m going to be perfectly fine until I’m not–and right now, I’m not there. Why do I have to go there?

So I had R.J pick me up and we bought a case of Gatorade and I drowned myself and had a killer time that night.

I ended up going in for my regularly scheduled infusion this morning and got an extra bag of saline just in case I dared to exercise again (which is my plan just after I publish this.)

Otherwise–things are kind of going my way lately.

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I look back at the entries from last month and can’t believe how long ago that feels. Flares don’t last forever. And after a while they all get smashed together in your brain behind a door you just don’t open on a daily basis. I kept getting condolence emails last week that were like, “I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time.”

And I’m like…I am?

The crisis has passed, guys. I’m wearing a bra today and everything.

Guess that’s what happens when I blog while having the breakdown and then not writing down how I actually climbed out of the black hole.

Work is going great, I’ve even been pitching some editorial articles to magazines again. And with less doctor’s appointments clouding up my schedule life is a breeze. Sometimes I look at my google calendar and think–I’m done? By 5:30? How did that happen?

I got a new, strong and extremely hopeful lead on my book and I’m hoping I’ll have some good news for you all soon! Meeting with a new wedding planner this weekend and praying I’ll be able to send out my Save the Dates this month.  I also took a yoga class last week that was hilarious. I always seem to end up in the Yoga class where it’s 95% 80-year-old women, no air conditioning, and poses that can in no way, shape, or form be considered exercise. Sweat? I almost fell asleep.

I’m still experimenting with my diet and I only had one very short flare that had me drinking Gatorade and chicken soup for two days. Everything seems fine now–I even went to a new raw restaurant with my mom. I had sushi made of some kind of tuna-flavored nut paste and about twelve other ingredients I could not identify. We also had a raw cesar salad that I think (and I’m really just guessing here) was made up of bee pollen and cashews?

I thought this would be a real bird’s meal, but I ended up feeling like I had led in my stomach the rest of the day. I may not be ready for such extreme dieting just yet.

My best friend growing up is now a raw fruit-etarian (?) I don’t know if I could ever survive without hot food or have the incredible planning and organizing skills to participate in that kind of lifestyle choice–it’s pretty amazing that she manages to stick to it despite traveling all over the world, for what I’m guessing, is a pretty high-stress career (Print and Runway Model.)

But it does give me hope that if she can do it, I can at least eat healthier than I’ve been eating before.



Anyways, the pizza is almost here so I should wrap this up….





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One thought on “I’m Okay Now–We Can Make Eye Contact Again

  1. I’m happy things are looking up. We deal with the bad days, and live for the good days. It sure helps when the good days greatly out number the bad days. I’m glad you have a good lead on your book, because I look forward to reading it! Wedding planning is so stressful, so I hope you can remain cool, calm, collected and above all healthy. Curtis and I decided to elope to the Mayan Riviera to avoid stress. The requirements were just too strict, so we had a secret legal ceremony at our favorite restaurant, a Spanish Tapas restaurant where we had our first date. We had a beach ceremony in Mexico. He tells me we have to marry once more for it to stick 😉 I wish you the best in trying to eat healthier. I’m heading down that road as well. I like the weight I’ve lost, and I feel better, but I still miss my comfort foods.

    When we moved into this house last April, we upgraded to a king mattress, but didn’t have a frame. Our mattresses were on the floor until nearly two weeks ago. The new frame was delivered when Hunter was in the hospital, and it took me a bit to recoup to feel like taking on the *small* project of putting it together. I told Curtis the next morning that I went from feeling like a college student to a princess overnight. Speaking of college, pizza IS considered health food to college students. Cheers!

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