We’ve all had them–changing our IV’s, bringing our meds, taking our blood pressure. Sometimes the perfunctory duties of being a nurse can wash away a medical professional personality. But other times, their true thoughts and feeling shine through–and like a beacon in the cold dark night, they light up the painful nerves in your brain that trigger migraines.
Here are some nurses I could totally slap with a cold compress if the opportunity presented itself and I was on enough pain killers to get away with it.
The “Aw, Poor Baby” Nurse
On most occasions (especially when it’s just dealing with dehydration/POTS issues) I’m generally typing away on my computer trying to work while I get treatment. Most of the time I’m alone and am just trying to get in and out quick enough to get back before Happy pee’s on the side of the good armchair. Nothing annoys me more than when a nurse continuously simpers at me about my “condition” and “how horrible” it is that I have to do this so frequently. And how “someone this young shouldn’t have to deal with this!”
The “We’ve All Got Problems” Nurse
And then there are some nurses who could take a ride to fairyland on the flying fuck they don’t give about your level 10 pain rating. She just broke a nail and has six other patients in her wing to attend to. Frankly, it’s not her fault she’s overbooked with five other patients who are bleeding out of their eyeballs, but it doesn’t make me feel any better to know what an inconvenience my nerve-popping, teeth-grinding injuries are to your day.
The “You’re kidding. That Hurt?” Nurse
There should be some kind of rule, right? Nurses have to, at some point before they’re on the floor, be patients. They have to have an IV put in their arm and wait forty minutes for a medication when they’re practically at death’s door. They have to be dehydrated and puking their lungs out while baking under the bright lights of the emergency room. They have to walk into a doctor’s office and have their weight announced to the entire staff while they step on the scale in plain view of the entire office. (What? That hurts worse than a crooked needle.)
I’m just not a fan of the nurse who entirely lacks empathy for the whole process. I’m not expecting you to kiss my boo-boo lady, but smacking my arm for good measure after giving me an IM shot is just not done.
The “You’re Just Making Shit Up” Nurse
This one. The one who rolls her eyes and is like, “Sure you take six miligrams of this and not the twelve on my chart.” This bitch. Or worse? The one who is like “Primary Immune Deficiency? Well, I’ve never heard of it. And I’ve been working here for over three weeks. Must not be a thing.” Oh lawd, hold me back.
The “Revolving Door” Nurse(s)
What is this, the Olive Garden? If I wanted three different nurses waiting on me, I’d hire ones with garter belts. You know what they say, too many cooks in the kitchen–and I’m going to get multiple deep-fried mozzarella sticks. And none of them will have my allergy list correct. (This might have been an imperfect metaphor.)
The “Yes, I’m Pretty Sure I Know What I’m Doing” Nurse
She tries to inject medication directly into the IV bag. Like–the top of the IV bag. He can’t unlock the wheels on your gurney. She puts you in a wheelchair after you’ve just been given IV pain killers and is shocked when you catapult forward onto the floor–and can’t get up. Don’t worry, she’ll get the hang of it eventually.
With that being said I’ve also had the pleasure of being treated by the “Always Gets the Vein on the First Shot” Nurse, the “Let’s Move You to the Front of the Line” Nurse, The “Oh, I’m Familiar with that Rare Disease” Nurse, and the “I’ll Hold Your Hand, But Not Say Anything While They’re Stabbing Your Brain With a Metal Prod” Nurse.
So the good nurses, and the bad ones–thanks for doing what you do. (I’m sorry if I’ve made your “Ten Patients Who’ve Annoyed the Shit Out of Me List”)
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