The other night R.J and I were having dinner. We’d just dropped Happy off with the grandparents and had stood in the garage for ten minutes with my mom to talk about our engagement party and sending out invitations for it (which we are woefully behind on.)
And we got to talking about our wedding—which frankly, we’ve barely had a chance to consider since the week we got engaged.
Even though I’ve been so happy and even more on the ball with work since then (which I think is because I’m not thinking “when is he going to pop the question?” every 2.5 seconds) I also realized that I’ve been really distracted lately. I think I’ve kind of had this thought process going on in my head:
After I have a sleep study, I can concentrate on enjoying our engagement. After I work out the medication problems I can start planning the parties. After I start feeling better I can start enjoying this part of my life…
And today I woke up and realized—what the fuck? Did I forget that I have a chronic illness?
As in chronic? As in this isn’t going to resolve itself neatly so that I can move on?
I had to stop and remember what my mom always says, “Start living—it’s almost over.”
I mean what if I had never figured out a way to finish high school and just thought: I’ll finish high school when I feel better? What if I never said “yes” to a date with R.J, because I was waiting for a day I’d be symptom-free? What if I decided I wasn’t going to try pitching any more articles until I was sure I could be well enough to write them with a brain-fog-free mind?
So today I decided I wanted to start going for the gold here. I have to clear all my expectations about what kind of bride I want to be and all the limitations that I think I’m going to have because of my illness.
This is my life and today in my life: I walked up the staircase in the house I rent, in the clothes I bought, chewing tater tots with the teeth I paid to fix. Today I sat down and did my job and took care of my dog and kissed my fiancé. Today I made no singular use of my college education and texted the friends I’ve made and made plans for tomorrow.
I guess I forgot for a second there that I’m still allowed, despite whatever pains I wake up with or aches I fall asleep with—I’m still allowed to enjoy my life.
Don’t forget either! Start living–it’s almost over!
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