God, this has just been a week full of weeping.
Like full on, mascara running, call my mom ten times more than usual per day, terrify my husband weeping.
And the funniest part of it all? Nothing is outrageously wrong. No terrible thing has happened in my life. Nobody died. Nobody called me a name on the internet. Happy is still as Happy as a goat with an upturned dumpster.
I’m just in a chemical storm of emotions.
That’s what happens when you simultaneously have a horrendous gastroparesis flare and start to strip yourself of major migraine medication and supplement with pain medication. You get completely emotionally hijacked. And it’s not like I didn’t know this was coming when I made the totally conscious decision to ween off my medications in the hopes of actually cleaning out my body enough to get pregnant.
It’s just, the incredible pain and fogginess completely hit you upside the head and the next thing you know your face down on your couch trying to remember why anyone should ever leave the house again. Suddenly all you can hear is your self-defeating thoughts and the intro theme to Hamilton playing over and over in your mind.
God, what a mess.
Can somebody just keep reminding me that I’m doing the right thing here? That getting off my Class C & D medications are the only way I can have kids without them coming out of my womb looking like a character from AHH! Real Monsters? I want human shaped babies. Depacote doesn’t help make them that shape.
It’s only been a few weeks but there have definitely been a few moments here and there where I’ve thought to myself my god, what the hell am I doing? It would be easier just to wait until I’m 45 and can afford a surrogate. I’m not even actually trying to have a baby yet and it is DESTROYING my body.
I have to remind myself that now is not a great time to make major life decisions. Now is really the time to focus on just getting through this god-awful period of my disease.
So I’m resolved to really try even harder. I’ve got to slow down on the painkillers, because even though every nerve in my body feels like it’s being lit on fire, they are no longer fully effective for me and I’m getting really deconditioned which is only causing more pain.
I signed up for a new place called “The Stretch Zone” where they strap you to a table and literally stretch your entire body. It’s great to break apart adhesions. I had my first session and almost had to go to the ER the next morning because I was in so much pain. I took an emergency high-dose painkiller instead and slept for about two days. (During which most of the weeping happened.)
Even though it might cause the same pain, I’m determined to go back next week and try again. I have to start moving my body and if having someone actually pull my limbs around for me while I’m too exhausted is a thing—it’s a thing I’m going to do.
I also got myself a massage, a foot massage, a pedicure and a manicure this week to try and give my body a little extra TLC.
I think one of the biggest contributors to my misery was the fact that my cable and internet went out for FIVE CONSECUTIVE DAYS. I had nothing to distract myself with. I just sat there marinating in my depression while screaming at Alexa, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T CONNECT TO AMAZON? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO REORDER MY LEMON FLAVORED PROPELS, ALEXA? IT’S NOT LIKE THEY JUST SELL THAT FLAVOR AT SUPER TARGET ANYMORE! I TRUSTED YOU.”
Anyways, I’m hoping this complete mindfuck is almost over. The cable went back on. Maybe my brain just needs to sync back up with TLC On Demand. WHERE MY 600-LB LIFE HOMIES AT? (Just kidding. That show is seriously depressing.)
PS: Thanks to all who entered my pill case contest giveaway! There have been so many amazing companies I’ve been able to work with over the past few weeks and I can’t wait to share my reviews and give out free shit.