The Four People I Would Hire if I was Stupid-Rich

Chronic illness can be a serious time and energy suck. Sometimes just handling the day-to-day chores of being a human being can be too much. And we all know that if we won the lottery, we’d do something so cray-cray, other people would just be like–yo, that’s poor financial management bro. Not cool.

So let’s say, just for imagination’s sake, that I had several million dollars to piss away on salaries for personal assistants each year. Here’s the list of people I would immediately hire to boost the economy and make my life just a little easier.

Body Double

We all know I love shopping…

Does this dress make me look engaged?

Does this dress make me look engaged?

…but I get so fatigued trying on ensemble after ensemble. Endless money for me would equal an immediate hire of a body double to take with me on my shopping trips. First she would have to carry all my clothes, then try them on for me while I sat in the corner seat and drank Propel.

Bear Nanny

No, but really. He is heavy.

No, but really. He is heavy.

Look, Bear is an animal. He’s super energetic. He’s smart. He needs to be entertained. That’s why one of my immediate employees would be a Bear Nanny. The nanny would be responsible for walking Bear when I’m too tired, playing fetch when I’m too tired, and taking him to the dog park when (you guessed it) I’m too tired.

Target Shopper

TARGETTTT

TARGETTTT

I have a Super Target near my house and I use it for everything. Clothes. Food. I even have some of my meds at their pharmacy. I can sometimes go there two or three times a day to pick up little things. So a real energy saver for me would be someone I could hire to go to and from Target for me (sometimes with my body double if we’re looking for clothes) to get what I need, avoid the awkward stares I get when parking handicap, and stand forever in that long 10-items-or-less line.

An Explainer

"She just momentarily lost her shit. It's fine."

“She just momentarily lost her shit. It’s fine.”

The other day when we were setting up catering for the party we were standing at a bakery counter for a half an hour. All of a sudden my blood pressure dropped and I knew if I didn’t sit down immediately my body was going to make me sit down immediately. So I quickly told the woman we were talking to that I needed to sit—like now, as I started walking away from her and towards the outside tables. If I had endless money I’d just have a dude follow me around during these tedious moments and as soon as he saw my face turn from pale to translucent I could just give him the go ahead to start letting everyone know why I was already halfway back to the car.

Who’d be your stupid-rich hire?

Comments

comments

33 thoughts on “The Four People I Would Hire if I was Stupid-Rich

  1. Cara Macwilliam

    1.A good vegetarian chef. Cooking well is so hard, or even cooking at all at the moment is nigh on impossible.

    2. A driver, I can’t drive and with ME brain it’s just too dangerous. Be so good for those short periods I can get out for an hour.

    3. A cleaner, miss having a regularly clean house.

    4 A present go getter. I often know what I want but struggle to find it on the internet or they can do a proper internet search for me, as again not quite enough energy.

  2. SiennaS

    A personal assistant with Jean Gray level of telepathy skills who could get past the mental block in my mind and find what I’m trying to say during my worse brain fog days and explain things to others for me.

    A housestaff – a small fraction of the Downton Abbey staff complete with quaint accents and post-Edwardian era sensibility to help me with cooking, cleaning, and being The Delightful & Dapper Lady of Apartment 104.

    One of those romance novel models to carry me around when I’m too tired to finish my errands. We could strike various poses from different covers while waiting in line at the grocery store. But I won’t bury my face into his chiseled chesticles lightly glistened with manly sweat during daytime hours; I will think of the children. Maybe.

    A side eye-r/mean mugger. For the times people say offputting things, comments, snide underhanded remarks and I just don’t feel like acknowledging it, even for a witty comeback or retort. This person could glare at them with such a menacing facial expression said offenders would be scared into next week.

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  23. A fantastic cup of coffee is the only thing that could make this blog better.

  24. Good article!

  25. I came to the same exact conclusion as you did.

  26. Save up your money for a rainy day.

  27. I now know that everyone has an ace up their sleeve.

  28. Do you know someone named Fred?

  29. Don’t forget the grilled onions!

  30. Way to go Edward. This blog is amazing!

  31. No one can ever say this site is boring!

  32. Would you like some popcorn?

  33. These two are some real messy eaters!

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