The Questions People Ask Me About Food (But I Digress)

fridge

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“So you can’t eat any vegetables, like, at all?”

“Well, it’s kind of like a napkin. Can I eat a napkin? Sure. I can put a napkin in my mouth and chew and swallow. I might even be able to put some marshmallow fluff on it for flavor. So sure, I can eat a napkin. But that doesn’t mean I should. Or do. Often.”

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hungry

 

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“So you’ve like never eaten a piece of squash?”

“Well sure, I’ve eaten squash a few times. The first time I thought, hey–food, let’s eat it. The second time I thought, hey–I remember that food. It wasn’t nice to me, but maybe it was just having a bad day. And the third time was either an accident or I was feeling particularly suicidal.”

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food2

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“So like what happens if you eat a piece of chocolate or a piece of lettuce?”

“The lettuce won’t matter. You’ve got to eat a side-salad size amount of lettuce for it to matter. But chocolate to me is like chocolate to a dog. A bite-sized snickers and there’s a good chance you’ll have to take me to a vet.”

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hungergame

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“So what do you eat? What’s left?”

“Bread. Rice. Ensure. Goat cheese. Potatoes. Pasta. Protein. A piece of lettuce here or there. Bananas and things that I know will make me cry later, but have some perfectly good excuse as to why now is a less important time than later.”

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everyday

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I don’t even know what this blog is about any more.

I just. want. a taco.

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