Today, after a fun BBQ with friends and about 18 hours of napping, R.J and I got into a little bickering match. He walked into another room and I started crying hysterically. He came back into the room—looking almost surprised to see me crying and just stared at me. I started to wonder if maybe he was upset too and I was really wrong in whatever I had said.
“Are you upset?” I asked.
“No, why are you?”
And for fuck sake, I could not remember. It was disturbing. I remember us having a fight and I remember feeling like he snapped at me (well, our version of “snapping” which is like raising your voice with a suggestion of an accent with a percentage of a decibel), but I couldn’t remember the context, the reasoning, the argument at all. In fact, if my face wasn’t wet and I didn’t feel like I had a brick of led in my stomach I would have had no idea anything had happened.
(This started a fresh new wave of tears and wailing, “Well, now I’m really confused!”)
I’ll admit that there have been moments in our long relationship and short marriage where I’ve completely hit the crazy wall head first and R.J has, gently and kindly, peeled my splattered innards off and put me back together. He’s never teased me or made me feel ashamed. He’s laughed with me, cried with me, and even though the target of my anger today was him—he still pulled me into his arms and accepted the conclusion of what I’d explained to him earlier this morning: I’m still strung out from this flare. I’m disoriented. I’m depressed. I’m trying to get back on track but I’m not there yet so please be aware that I’m a little fragile.
I think what I’m learning about marriage and chronic illness is that you’re going to have two choices: you can choose to save face and continue to fight about the thing you can’t even remember and hold on to your anger—or you can be the open book and say “I don’t know why this is happening,” and “I’m doing my best, but it’s not enough today,” instead of trying to be someone that today you aren’t—yet.
My fear is much heavier on the having a conversation and forgetting the context within a few minutes. That worries me. I also had about 3-4 hours of active energy today and the rest was all sleeping (not laying down, I’m talking lights out—sleep.) Guess I have a lot of work to figure out this week.
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