I feel like I want to sit in bed all day today and cry. And then I keep reminding myself that it’s such a stupid thing to get so worked up over, but at the same time these gastroparesis flares literally affect everything I do, eat, go, wear, and plan for.
I had a 10am Sitz Marker Test in the next town over and I can’t even leave the house. None of my medication is working, not preventative, not rescue. I feel like my stomach must be drowning in all the bottles of gatorade and magnesium citrate I’ve drunk over the last day and a half, it probably has no idea what’s up or down.
And these pseudo-obstructions? Most likely they’re adhesions tying my intestines up in knots. For pain, my surgeons said, never have the surgery again because they’ll only grow back. But for obstructions? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me what to do about that?
I really need to have some kind of resolution this weekend because next week is full of events–my tasting with the wedding caterers (I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I’m going to have to eat at that until I just now wrote it. Shit.), my follow-up Botox for migraines appointment, two GI tests (one that i missed this morning), and then a lovely day in court battling it out over a vet bill for a small claims suit that happened two years ago.
Then on January 19th I turn 25.
And I’d really prefer not to be celebrating it with a bottle of Ensure and a fresh laporoscopy scar.
I was looking for a good inspirational quote to put here and I came across this:
EXCEPT THAT YOU DO–YOU DO HAVE TO DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING YOU STUPID ABSENT-NERVED ORGAN! YOU HAVE TO DIGEST YOUR FOOD. VIVA LA CONFORMITY! FOLLOW THE CROWD! WHEN THE METAPHORICAL PHONE RINGS, PICK IT UP!
Fuck, sometimes I feel like I’m running a parade led by toddlers on meth inside of my own nervous system. Everybody get the fuck in line, stop knocking into each other and do your job. MOST OF YOU HAVE JUST ONE JOB.
The plan for now. Water. Gatorade. Ensure. Milkshakes. Work. Rage. Repeat.