When Boobs and Ports Meet Online Shopping

My name is Ilana

And I am an online shopping addict.

Sometimes I find myself on my laptop at two in the morning trying to angle the light across my credit card.

There’s just something very primal about the hunt for bargains–combine that basic instinct with the joy one finds when seeing a package on their front porch?

You had me at 599fashion.com.

And I must say–I’m pretty good at this sport. I know how the sizing works in all my favorite stores. I know all of the Asia/India Aliexpress-like websites. And I know that if you don’t order an AMERICAN XL or an Asian XXXXXL, you will rip the cheap fabric from boob to boob. (That wasn’t embarrassing.)

As my addiction has progressed–and so have my other illnesses, I’ve found myself diving even further into the water. If I don’t feel well enough to get to the mall I can still shop. I WILL SHOP GOD DAMNIT.

The other new development? My port.

I’ve always had to be a bit weary when ordering tops and dresses just because I am interesting body type. No, Demi Lovato, nothing you’d be interested in. Just your average short, big-boobed, wide hipped, skinny legged 25-year-old.

I thought hunting for the right clothes before the port was hard. After? It’s damn near impossible.

Requirements of a shirt to be in my closet:

  • Don’t suffocate boobs
  • Contain boobs inside the fabric
  • Don’t show extra thick bra straps
  • Hide all the fat
  • Don’t be a pale pink because I’ve been told it doesn’t suit me.

And now, since my port is accessed, bandaged and in prime limelight on my chest 24/7? We can include:

  • Don’t suffocate port (this thing does need to breathe and be accessible through every neckline.
  • Hide port as best you can without suffocating it.
  • Don’t let it peek out through all these heinous cut-out styles.

Wondering what I mean? Have a look:

Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.46.31 PM Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.45.22 PM Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.45.08 PM Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.44.38 PM Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.44.29 PM Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 9.44.22 PM

 

Is this some kind of joke to you, Charlotte Russe? DELETING YOUR LINKS FROM MY HISTORY

(jk though, I love their leggings and they gave me free shipping tonight on a turtle-neck like top.)

Here’s some pieces that I ordered lately that seemed to fit all the requierments.

I love this one but haven't had an occasion yet to wear it!

I love this one but haven’t had an occasion yet to wear it!

The neckline was good on this one, haven't tested it out yet, but I think it'll be a good work/networking dress

The neckline was good on this one, haven’t tested it out yet, but I think it’ll be a good work/networking dress

I ordered this dress in an XL and it basically came in XXXXXXXL American. Really cute and good fabric though--surprised it was one of those ali sites.

I ordered this dress in an XL and it basically came in XXXXXXXL American. Really cute and good fabric though–surprised it was one of those ali sites.

Loved this neckline, super sexy. Too bed I couldn't even fit one arm into it.

Loved this neckline, super sexy. Too bad I couldn’t even fit one arm into it.

 

What’s your addiction—and more importantly–where can you redirect me to shop online some more?

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

One thought on “When Boobs and Ports Meet Online Shopping

  1. GP1

    I like that green dress.I think you’ld look like a cutie-pie wearing it.Does Johnson and Johnson make different colored tapes for ports ? They should if they don’t.I’ld sign a petition advocating that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>