During moments of great upheaval, I turn to god.
“God,” I say, while hyperventilating in my bed at two in the morning, “I’m having surgery tomorrow. It’s not a big surgery. But I’m still terrified!”
“Ilana!” He says, “Why are you scared? Everything is going to be fine!”
“Really? You think the surgery will go well and it won’t hurt so bad?”
“Well,” God says, ruminating on the question and reaching over to play with the sound soother on my nightstand. “You will have surgery and if it hurts, you’ll still be fine.”
“Do you think the Port will work? Am I making the right decision about getting it now?”
“It’s sweet that you think you have a choice about it, but really, Ilana–you’ll be fine. Does this thing make ocean noises?”
“But do you think this will make my life easier?” I implore, “And that the surgery won’t have complications?”
“You’re letting all of this stress get out of hand,” God says, “So what if you do have complications? You’ll be fine!”
“But what if something goes really wrong– like what if I die?”
“It’ll be fine.” God says, brushing off my fears and getting ready to hop back on his cloud and away from Boca Raton.
“Like–hey– remember that time you got surgery for your port and then your lung like totally collapsed and they had to stick a tube through your back and into your chest and leave it there for like two days where you could barely move and you STILL had to get an IV placed because your Port was supposedly “too fresh” to be used in the emergency room? You lived”
“Oh–wait, what’s today?”
“It’s the third.”
“Shit–well, I’m way ahead of schedule.”
“I’m GOING TO GET A TUBE PUT THROUGH MY BACK?”
“I really better be going, you think you’re having a crisis? Bruce Jenner has me on speed dial right now.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M GOING TO HAVE A TUBE PUT. THROUGH. MY. BACK?”
“You’ll be fine!” God says, half of his body already vanishing into the popcorn ceiling. “Just remember that when things get too hard to handle all you have to do is—”
And then he was gone.
I’m feeling a little emotionally bereft right now and unable to make good decisions, so please pick the following inspirational quote of your choosing.