So after twenty or so years, I think I’ve not only brought the bland diet to a state of perfection—I’ve revolutionized it, I’ve inspired it, I’ve made it downright unstoppable.
Those with Chronic Illness in the GI tract—whether that’s Crohns, Coilitus, Celiac, Motility Issues—whatever, you’ve probably at some point been told to go on the bland diet.
Now, I don’t have celiac so I don’t claim to know what below is gluten free…I’m guessing not a lot seeing as I almost starved on that diet. So just be warned. Prob not gluten friendly. Sorry.
Here you are. Your doctor has prescribed a bland diet. Don’t panic. There’s actually PLENTY you can eat, and plenty of ways you can eat it! (Most involve your mouth though.) This is the diet I’m on most of the time and I call it the Racist Diet—because it clearly elevates white foods to a higher level than others. Below are some bigoted staples that you probably wouldn’t think would be on the BRAT diet, but work just fine.
Once known as a diet food, rice cakes no longer function as such when I eat them 5-10 at a time. Are they empty calories? Sure! Do new flavors make them taste ridiculously good? Why yes they do! I’m a big fan of the Carmel rice cakes. They’re delicious as breakfast if you want something sweet but don’t want to put up with the oil or buttermilk in most pastries and pancakes. Looking for an afternoon snack? The butter popcorn flavor is outrageously good. I can no longer eat real popcorn, so these are kind of my silver lining snack.
I live in carb land. Where everything is made out of flour and everyone is happy and full. Pasta is my equivalent of a full Thanksgiving dinner. It’s filling, you can put any kind of topping you can stomach on it (I’m usually ok with LIGHT butter and LIGHT parmesan cheese) Remember, small portions are your friends when it comes to heavier foods like this—but I don’t have friends like that. So.
The Empty Panini
I have a panini maker and I’m pretty sure it makes anything taste better. Bread and cheese? Amazing. Bread and meat? Excellent. Bread and bread? Judges? They’ll accept it. Really! Spray a piece of bread with Pam, salt, pepper, maybe a little garlic powder? Keep it light! Hot bread will remind your sad little stomach of a hot meal when you’ve spent days on Jello.
I wouldn’t exactly call Boca Raton “the deep south” but we do have grits here, and they do light up my life. I recently realized that there was a difference between microwave grits and hominy grits. Hominy grits being infinitely fluffier, tastier, and happier. You can just tell.
Philly Swirls Popsicles and Ices
As a kid, I was never into popsicles. I’m sorry but a frozen stick of artificial cherry just does not do it for me. So I was skeptical that any frozen treat without dairy was not going to float my boat—but then—Philly Swirls. These are probably the best popsicles, ices, and squeeze pops in the world. If I could purchase a gallon of their cotton candy flavor I would. I would also eat it in probably two nights. Go ahead, dog, judge me. I have no shame.
DO NOT EAT THE FOLLOWING:
DON’T BE FOOLED: Just because some things LOOK bland doesn’t mean they are. Check the list of mistakes I’ve made below:
- Pancakes, Waffles, French Toast —All have buttermilk and lightly cooked egg which can be VERY harsh on your stomach when it’s already sensitive!
- Doughnuts—are cooked in oil. No.
- Dunkin Doughnuts—No good will come of this place. Don’t even walk into one. Everything, EVERYTHING is made with lactose. And lactose = bad.
- Lactose Intolerance — lookout for words like lactose, lactase, whey, whey protein, etc. Not sure if a product has hidden lactose? Go straight to the source. Most products have 1-800-numbers on them. Call! That’s what they’re there for!