I’m just spending my money like it’s going out of style. Every time I get to the register and I can’t believe I’m forking over another $48.72 for whatever I threw in my cart at random at Target I just say to myself: but it turns out you’re probably not having kids–so this is all just disposable income!
As I sink into this vast, black hole of depression that is eating me alive while the world continues to house-hunt for four bedroom town homes in A level school districts– all I really need to do is find some inner joy in milky pens or glade candles–because those are not my problems anymore.
I can’t get off my medication. I can’t even get back on the right medication to stabilize myself and all I’ve been doing is trying to hold my brain in place between my ears while someone swings a mallet at it like a giant gong. My migraines are extreme. I would go as far as to say violent.
More good news? Rejected from the clinical trial my neurologist recommended me for. Too many preventative medications (that aren’t working, but I can’t get off of.)
It’s funny, because I don’t want to face the world. I just want to sit on my couch and work and watch TV sideways on my new cable box because my house got struck my lightening on Sunday night so we got it replaced and upgraded. It’s funny that this is all I feel like doing because with my head in a state of constant, irreparable throbbing–that is all I can do!
I don’t want to hear from anyone because the small group of people outside of my immediate circle of people who actually know me and have watched me go through this shitstorm the past few weeks can’t seem to wrap their minds around exactly where I am. How can I draw the map?
Here’s how far down the line I’ve come:
Resting my head doesn’t work. Baths don’t work. Wine doesn’t work. Neck pillows don’t work. Massage alone does not work. Aromatherapy does not work. Ice packs and heat packs do not work. Exercise does not work. Stretching does not work. Essential oil does not work. Bio freeze does not work. Tylenol does not work. Aleve does not work. Aleve Migraine does not work. Excedrin does not work. Coffee does not work. Caffeine pills do not work. Tylenol with codeine does not work. Fioricet does not work. Muscle relaxers do not work. Soma does not work. Sumatriptans do not work. Zomig does not work. Atenolol and Propranolol do not work. Desipramine does not work. Topomax does not work. Over a year of Botox injections have not worked. Acupuncture has not worked.
And the kind of daily effort that I put into just trying not to get the migraine at all includes: excessive rest, caffeine testing, 4-5 bags of IV saline, preventative medications including a beta blocker, a medication for water retention, an anti-depressant, depacote (a very high dosage of a very strong anti-migraine medication) and now Trockendi (a high dosage of another anti-migraine drug.)
I am. Trying SO hard. I feel like I’m going to have a NOSE BLEED. From fucking. STRESS.
Which may not be helping.
I’m sorry. It’s just that this has been going on for so long now I’m really starting to lose my grip. On all things. So please, if you’ve been there–let me know you climbed out. If you’re in the room–I’m not going to say no to a good hug. Or a shoulder rub. Or inducing a coma.
I know it gets better, but boy, this one is testing me.
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